Semantics and syntax

"I'm not good enough." I'm going to explore what that means to me, today.

As long as I can recall, I've imposed limits on my actions which led to me refusing to pursue what I would consider to be worthwhile relationships.

Now, of course, as a person, I have to impose limits -- it's what we as people do to deal with the world; for instance, we can't fully describe the room we're in -- it would take an infinite amount of words to convey every last detail, down to the atoms and quarks and what they're doing. We're always imposing a limit on reality as we express it in thought. For me, the idea is to trace a frame around a part of reality, make it my own, and that is creation -- and within that creation is virtue and beauty. So, what does that have to do with anything?

Once we recognize that, we can recognize that we make the limits -- or, at least, acknowledge that there are indeed limits, that reality -- the world -- is larger than the limitations we place upon it, and that our perceptions through thought, while based in reality, do not express reality itself. I don't think that we can choose all of the limits; but, we can recognize that language is a limit, and we can choose some limits once we're aware that we have a choice.

What does this mean? Nothing, really. The world is still sitting silently as we struggle over semantics, freedom and justice. But is useful, I suppose, in approaching truth, which seems like a fun thing to do. Then again, my idea of fun is an intense, revolting, intellectual struggle for finding a resolution for the contradictions of history and man's condition. Today, anyway.

So here I am. And I seriously give a shit if a gorgeous, sharp woman would prefer to do something besides be enamored in my presence. Actually, what I tell myself, is that that will never happen -- that's "not for me." And I've been doing that since at least first grade, when I couldn't look into Cheryl's eyes, or talk to her, even, especially after I found out I liked her coloring style (with crayons), which I would go on to emulate for a few years. Obviously, I love it -- I've only been doing it for about 20 years. I'm doing it right now with at least two women, despite recognizing all of this mumbo jumbo, and I refuse to give it up.

My life is not in danger. I'm still alive, but in a reinforcing circle of "I'm not good enough." I get something out of the "sad story" -- aww, poor me. It's not just with women with whom I refuse to talk.

It's with everything: not being a 'safety' in 4th grade; not getting a 'best student award' in 5th grade; not good enough at baseball; 3rd-string basketball in middle school; only JV soccer in 10th grade; not being an eagle scout; not getting into National Honor Society; being voted 'most shy' in my senior class; not getting into MIT; not having enough money to go to Cornell; not getting a full scholarship at UB; not smart enough to write essays, voice my opinion, or be an articulate, outspoken leader; getting kicked out of the honors program at the university; friends I admired cutting ties against my wishes; not getting a job offer from Microsoft; my ex-girlfriend; more friends cutting ties. Clearly, "I'm not good enough."

"I'll show them: I'm awesome; I'll be rich." Who gives a shit? Becoming a millionaire in America as a software engineer is easy, anyway. Billionaire? Ok, that's harder, but why bother? Say you have a billion dollars -- what the hell for. I only need about $12,000 / year to live. Do I really need to be more "free" than that? As if we're free under the State in the first place. What will I have created? And why is creation and production so important?

So, we have a give and take between justice and freedom. If you are completely free, you have the ability to do things that aren't just -- like, kill people; if you are completely just in every aspect, you have no real choice; either extreme isn't very attractive to me. So, pick your place on the line. Moderation is the answer, apparently, according to Camus.

I'm not good enough to figure all this out right now. "How's that going for you?" I'm hungry. Time for breakfast. I've never been better.

Question

What is the difference between a murderer and a president, anyway? (Seriously.)

Before I move to Zurich

A great person once wrote, "If we just share all the precious, bottled up passions inside us that we all hold so close, too scared to reveal and expose to the light, for fear of what-have-you, then people will say, 'You know, that's exactly how I feel,' and things will be good."

I thought, "There's some truth to that," and I started writing. So, here's what's on my mind, today:

I think diamonds and cars are a waste of money. I think people take sex and pornography far, far too seriously.

I think if you cook half your meals, refrain from purchasing any food in a bag or box, and buy local first and organic second, you'll live a lot better. I think it's a good idea to exercise eight hours per week.

I think people can and should use the Internet and computer software to organize socially and politically for change. I think most people think they are too busy to do anything about important issues, such as race, gender, pollution and education; I think most people lie to themselves every day and fall for it. I think 10% of the world finishes what they set out to do; those 10% are in charge.

I think Libertarian politics should be applied on a federal level. I think Green politics should be applied on a local and state level. I think people should have a choice on all levels. I think equal opportunity for advancement should be the government's only goal; everything comes from there.

I think if instead of race, people were to work the problem of poverty, the problem of race would solve itself. I think we are all uncertain of ourselves during many times of our lives, and those who are not have not experienced enough.

I think most things today are not hard in the United States. I think we're lucky, to live here and now. I think the people before us accrued an enormous amount of knowledge, and we should take advantage of it. I think we have an enormous responsibility to help the rest of the world -- the 5.7 billion other people -- be in a position to make their own decisions, like us, without fear of disease, drought, starvation or attack.

I think violence is a symptom of absolute failure.

I think we are the only cause of our problems, today, here. I think there is a lot of work to do in our own town. I think educating our selves, our elders, our siblings and our children should be the utmost. I think treating our towns as if we will live here for the next million years is a good idea. I think it's healthy to know you're going to die in about 50 years. I think humility is important.

I think candor and trust are the only way to go. I think writing on the weekend is important. I think playing sports is a good social activity. I think we are easily impressed upon by others, subconsciously.

I think the great leaders and writers of the past were just people, like you and I. I think Shakespeare and Plato were men; I think it's important to remember that. I think great music should have something to say.

I think reading is important. I think self-reflection is helpful; I think after a while you just have to try it. I think if you focus on yourself, and you act upon your passions, dreams and ideals, everything else will follow.

I think the benefits of wind power, recycling, reusing, voting, being active in politics, bicycling, and reducing poisons in the home are so obvious and elemental, I almost forgot to include them here.

I think traveling should involve a lot of walking, a few maps and train tickets, a relaxed attitude, and not a lot of fancy hotels.

I think tickling is overrated. I think moaning during sex is a good idea. I think everyone should get themselves off as often as they'd like.

I think it's good to not take yourself too seriously. I think I've written enough.

Winter Bicycle Clothing

I've learned a few things while commuting by bike in Corvallis, Oregon: Biking in the cold and rain can be quite enjoyable, thanks to nylon and polyester. With three layers, I'm more comfortable with temperatures in the high 30s / low 40s than I am during the summer.

Base layer: I love my Patagonia "baselayer" -- their term for long underwear; I use their Capilene 3 long-sleeve shirt and "pants." They're warm and thin, very comfortable clothing while sweating, and they help me cool down very quickly. Air cuts through them easily. As the term baselayer implies, you'll probably want to put something over these; I do.

Middle layer: Any sweatshirt will do. This layer is what gets dirtiest, as your sweat goes into it, and some water will get to it.

Jacket: I use a simple, non-breathable nylon bicycle jacket, made by J&G, an Oregon company. Costing about $40, it's good, but not perfect. It's great at stopping the wind, which is very important, and you will stay dry, for the most part (which I will explain). The fleece around the neck is a nice touch, and the cut of the jacket (with extra-long arms and back) works well for biking. If I had to choose again, I'd probably go for a more-upscale jacket, which runs about $135.

There are two downsides to the cheaper jacket: 1) There is no fabric covering the zipper, and your shirt will get wet (under the zipper) if it's raining at a good pace, and 2) You will get hot during longer / harder rides, as water vapor can't easily escape; it's probably not much fun when it's warm out, like in the 70s. The underarm zippers, which I thought were a gimmick while I was shopping, do keep me significantly more comfortable when they are open -- and water doesn't usually find its way in there, so I leave them unzipped.

Pants: Polyester / nylon "exercise" pants work great when it's not raining. Combined with the baselayer above, I stay warm, but never hot. When it's raining, I use rain pants. Again, I went with a cheaper, non-breathable pair, but I would recommend going with a more-expensive, breathable pant -- $80 at the local cycle shop. Every pair of rain pants I've seen is designed to easily put on while you're wearing shoes, which is useful; they also roll up small, so I keep them in my panniers (bags).

Hat: Every piece of clothing is important, but you'll never find me on my bike in the winter without a winter hat. It keeps my ears warm and my hair dry. My hat is acrylic; I suppose any will work.

Gloves: My gloves are waterproof, windproof and breathable. About $25. I'm not sure what the "waterproof" is supposed to mean, exactly. I think it means there is some waterproof fabric somewhere on the glove, but your hands will get wet with time; however, they do stay warm. The fleece on the top is nice for wiping your nose; it may be gross, but it is nice and necessary. Like most gloves, they take a while to dry out.

Shoes: I use regular sneakers. This is a bad idea if you're not comfortable with your feet slipping from time to time. They will get beat up from the rain and general dirt that gets kicked up from the road, but they work fine. As long as you avoid storming through large puddles, your feet will stay reasonably dry; if you do decide to go through puddles, your feet will be soaked.

I've shopped for shoe covers / something for my feet, but everything I've found looks incredibly lame / excessive / expensive for short trips around town. Before Burley only made "the world's finest child trailers," they apparently made some good rain gear, including shoe covers, but they don't make those anymore.

I don't know it all, but like I said before, I think every piece is important. Expect to spend a bit of money -- probably more than you'd prefer (you can easily hit $350 before the day is done) -- but you might be surprised at how fun it is to stay out in the rain and the cold with the proper clothing.

Welcome

Welcome. How are you? All things considered, probably good, since you're on the Internet and all.

My name is Phil Manijak, and this blog is my entry into the great, public discourse of our time. Green Reign is my public persona for this venture -- my brand, if you will, chosen partly for its availability on del.icio.us, flickr and YouTube.

I'll let the rest speak for itself.