"I'm not good enough." I'm going to explore what that means to me, today.
As long as I can recall, I've imposed limits on my actions which led to me refusing to pursue what I would consider to be worthwhile relationships.
Now, of course, as a person, I have to impose limits -- it's what we as people do to deal with the world; for instance, we can't fully describe the room we're in -- it would take an infinite amount of words to convey every last detail, down to the atoms and quarks and what they're doing. We're always imposing a limit on reality as we express it in thought. For me, the idea is to trace a frame around a part of reality, make it my own, and that is creation -- and within that creation is virtue and beauty. So, what does that have to do with anything?
Once we recognize that, we can recognize that we make the limits -- or, at least, acknowledge that there are indeed limits, that reality -- the world -- is larger than the limitations we place upon it, and that our perceptions through thought, while based in reality, do not express reality itself. I don't think that we can choose all of the limits; but, we can recognize that language is a limit, and we can choose some limits once we're aware that we have a choice.
What does this mean? Nothing, really. The world is still sitting silently as we struggle over semantics, freedom and justice. But is useful, I suppose, in approaching truth, which seems like a fun thing to do. Then again, my idea of fun is an intense, revolting, intellectual struggle for finding a resolution for the contradictions of history and man's condition. Today, anyway.
So here I am. And I seriously give a shit if a gorgeous, sharp woman would prefer to do something besides be enamored in my presence. Actually, what I tell myself, is that that will never happen -- that's "not for me." And I've been doing that since at least first grade, when I couldn't look into Cheryl's eyes, or talk to her, even, especially after I found out I liked her coloring style (with crayons), which I would go on to emulate for a few years. Obviously, I love it -- I've only been doing it for about 20 years. I'm doing it right now with at least two women, despite recognizing all of this mumbo jumbo, and I refuse to give it up.
My life is not in danger. I'm still alive, but in a reinforcing circle of "I'm not good enough." I get something out of the "sad story" -- aww, poor me. It's not just with women with whom I refuse to talk.
It's with everything: not being a 'safety' in 4th grade; not getting a 'best student award' in 5th grade; not good enough at baseball; 3rd-string basketball in middle school; only JV soccer in 10th grade; not being an eagle scout; not getting into National Honor Society; being voted 'most shy' in my senior class; not getting into MIT; not having enough money to go to Cornell; not getting a full scholarship at UB; not smart enough to write essays, voice my opinion, or be an articulate, outspoken leader; getting kicked out of the honors program at the university; friends I admired cutting ties against my wishes; not getting a job offer from Microsoft; my ex-girlfriend; more friends cutting ties. Clearly, "I'm not good enough."
"I'll show them: I'm awesome; I'll be rich." Who gives a shit? Becoming a millionaire in America as a software engineer is easy, anyway. Billionaire? Ok, that's harder, but why bother? Say you have a billion dollars -- what the hell for. I only need about $12,000 / year to live. Do I really need to be more "free" than that? As if we're free under the State in the first place. What will I have created? And why is creation and production so important?
So, we have a give and take between justice and freedom. If you are completely free, you have the ability to do things that aren't just -- like, kill people; if you are completely just in every aspect, you have no real choice; either extreme isn't very attractive to me. So, pick your place on the line. Moderation is the answer, apparently, according to Camus.
I'm not good enough to figure all this out right now. "How's that going for you?" I'm hungry. Time for breakfast. I've never been better.
