Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Energy

I'm teeming with potential at this moment. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Let's do it. Let's go. Let's fucking do something amazing and worthwhile, climbing out of this mud that we've been stuck in for years. These thoughts are fleeting, I know, but now they have a sense of permanence. I wish I could scream and all my passion would be conveyed -- a futile effort, likely.

We've given up everything, as if we held something at all. We're in China. Now what. The emptiness is there, the excitement of the moment gone, as we long nostalgically for yesterday, for what we felt in that moment. Daydreaming, we begin to sink again. There's a certain excitement about being homeless -- the feeling of being more alive; at least for a week. A warm bed is all we want, we say, to be happy, to keep us from the rain, hail, wind and loneliness. What better is it compared to what we have -- our passion and our courage, our lives.

Still, I am restless. If I think hard enough, there will be peace in the form of full-on, overwhelming life. As if this isn't life. As if there is something more real inside of me, trying (not very hard) to escape and exist. I hold on to the familiar, to my home, to my work, for no-more stronger a reason than why I like orange juice -- perhaps for a weaker reason.

Remember when we went to China? Wasn't it perfect?

The end of the world is near. It always is. Such are the times we live in, the same as our friends of the past have contemplated, have shared with their old friends. It's our turn to share what they've thought, through our mouths. Perhaps I love you. Perhaps it doesn't matter. Perhaps we're all that is beautiful in this world and poets of the future and poets of the past will write of us while clutching their hearts, cursing their useless pens.

Let's just keep singing.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Transparency

I believe the kindest thing you can do for a human being is to be honest with him. Be honest, be transparent and share your opinion. In my experience, people usually take honesty well -- they can handle it, despite my reservations. When I withhold honesty, it's because I don't trust my audience's judgment.

To paraphrase Camus, every dishonest act, every misleading or false opinion, over time, leads to death; in order to minimize the cruelty of this world, to refuse adding to the sum of all evil things, it is our duty to be honest.

I can write those words, and in most cases I believe in them. However, there are many times when I refuse to offer the truth, despite my conscious efforts to expose the truth. Ironically, this refusal occurs in my most-treasured relationships -- or, rather, in my relationships that are on the cusp between treasured and congenial. The word for that is cowardly, and today I am a coward.

In all cases, or if not all then most, once I open my mouth to speak, I am no longer a coward, before I even articulate my intent. In my view, this simple act of deciding to speak is the widest chasm to cross. It is also the most noble, the most courageous, and the most reasonable act. Although, I write this without justifiable reason; I take Camus' word for it -- a crime of philosophy, perhaps, but a practical starting point; Camus spent untold days grappling with such views, and it will take me untold more to form a basis upon which I can stand with my own novel (should I be so fortunate!) viewpoint.

I am committing such a non-transparent act in this mere blog entry. I am not mentioning a specific instance where I've been too cowardly to speak my mind. On the other hand, it is not my position to broadcast a person's name over the Internet (or upon whatever medium this is published in the future (ha!)). This blog is my own, and it is my public forum for associating thoughts with my name, but others' thoughts are their own, and they can decide whether they want to claim them by name. I am comfortable should you, dear reader, choose to broadcast my name in any honest fashion.

So, is there a limit to transparency? I'm forced to say yes, as evidenced by what I said above. However, this will eventually lead to death, apparently -- I don't see how. I can say for myself that I choose openness, that what encapsulates my thoughts is transparent, and that the curious need only to inquire. But, I believe everyone must make a similar choice for himself, and to choose openness for another human being is a way of force that I cannot justify (as force can so very rarely be justified).

But, when I am asked for my opinion, you will receive it, in kind. To sugarcoat it or make it politically correct is only to disrespect. At the same time, vulgarity and sarcasm are not the same as honesty; to be honest one must articulate unambiguously (which may involve ambiguity), and this takes many iterations and concentrated work. Because of this inherent difficulty, I hold it to be the greatest compliment one can give.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Can't think of a title

Creativity. "I am not creative." I'm not sure where that came from. I can recall as far back as first and second grade, regarding creativity.

In first grade, we had an assignment to make a drawing depicting what would happen if our heart were broken -- or what would cause our heart to be broken. I forget the occasion, but in the end we taped them up on our lockers, facing the known world. I told myself I knew well what the teacher had in mind -- we were supposed to conjure sketches of lost puppies, sick family members, and the like. I was uninspired by the assignment, so I took the question literally and stated, "If my heart were broken, I would be dead," and colored a picture of a cemetery -- I had seen a national cemetery from the Civil War on television, with its straight rows of crosses and stars of David, and that's what I drew.

In second grade, we were tasked with crafting a short story. It was to be at least a hand-written, grammar-school-lined page -- maybe more -- which was really long at the time. It could be on anything of our choosing. But, "I wasn't creative," so I said I couldn't come up with anything. After some prodding, I eventually wrote about some tigers and a waterfall, I believe, and, as a seven-year-old, considered the story trite and uninspiring. I probably got an A, which is usually what happened when I did anything in elementary school.

This pattern has continued through to the present day, and I think it is a manifestation of "I'm not good enough," my companion. What is creativity if not expression of opinion? It's saying, "this is where I stand, and this is how I'm expressing that stance." Creativity just happens as we exist. I have a history of believing my opinion has little -- if any -- worth. And as my position changes, as expression of opinion becomes a duty, creativity becomes possible -- or, more accurately, I recognize that creativity has always been there. When we are honest with ourselves, and when we share that without reservation or regret, we create works (and relationships) that perhaps remind us, with a greater clarity, why we love to live in the first place.

Friday, July 13, 2007

An introduction

A friend of mine once wrote, "No great work has ever been based on hatred or contempt. On the contrary, there is not a single true work of art that has not in the end added to the inner freedom of each person who has known and loved it. Yes, that is the freedom I am extolling, and it is what helps me through life. An artist may make a success or a failure of his work. He may make a success or a failure of his life. But if he can tell himself that, finally, as a result of his long effort, he has eased or decreased the various forms of bondage weighing upon men, then in a sense he is justified and, to some extent, he can forgive himself."

I'll be the first to note I have little experience with the harshness of this world. I've never walked the streets in poverty, gone hungry for a day, hid from the State, nor been forced to fight for my own survival. It has been a privilege to be in the position to share my thoughts.

On the other hand, I have about 24 years of experience with what I would describe as the mental anguish of being human -- something I believe we all have in common. Recently, I've stumbled upon a few things which have, in some ways, cut my angst deeper than usual.

First, let me say that I'm not sure of anything -- my arguments in general are weak, without substantial backing aside from my intellect, experience and feel on how things are going -- which in themselves are not very substantial; however, I think I'm intelligent, and that is good enough for me at this time.

I've been reading a lot of writings by Albert Camus, lately. Since late April, I've read The Rebel in its entirety, most of Resistance, Rebellion, and Death, and his essay, The Myth of Sisyphus. I had my reasons for being propelled into these works, and I'll get into that later.

For those who consider the contradictions of this world – for instance, that man strives for justice while acting with bountiful injustice; or, that we exalt freedom and liberty while building up the State, promoting methods of torture, fear and lies – I highly recommend his work. It resonates with who I am as a human being, and helps me articulate – at least mentally – a reasonable view of this world and an approach to living in its contradiction.

If societal life is a continuous fight for plain language, honesty and creation – which I believe it to be, then you've just read my introduction.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Honesty and integrity

Today we look at the work 'agreement' I signed about 18 months ago with Artech Information Systems LLC, which I find to be deserving of contempt and scorn. Concisely, I see it as an attack on human dignity.

7. Exclusivity. During the term of this Agreement, Employee will devote his/her full-time to providing services exclusively as directed by Employer and shall not perform services for others.

8. Non-Performance of Services and Non-recruitment. During the term of this Agreement and for 18 months after the end of the employment relationship (whether Employer or Employee initiated the termination), Employee agrees that he/she shall not in any individual or representative capacity (e.g. as a principal, employer, stockholder, partner, agent, consultant, independent contractor, or employee): (a) directly or indirectly provide, solicit or advise another of the opportunity to provide, any services to a client where Employe previously provided services to the client on behalf of the Employer or was otherwise introduced through Employer; or (b) directly or indirectly, retain or solicit for Employee or for another party, the services of any of the Employer's employees or others introduced through the Employer. For purposes of this paragraph, "introduced through Employer" means where a client, employee, contractor, other individual came to the attention of Employee in any manner through Employer, "Client" includes any affiliates, customers or clients of the Client.

16. Breach. In the event of the Employee's breach of paragraphs 7, 8, 12, 13, or 14, Employee acknowledges and agrees that Employer will suffer irreparable harm and money damages would be an inadequate remedy, entitling Employer to seek injunctive relief. Employer's right to seek injunctive relief is without waiver or limitation to any other remedies Employer has at law or in equity.

17. Arbitation [sic]. Except for monetary claims of $5,000.00 or less, Employee explicitly agrees that any dispute in any manner related to Employee's employment with ARTECH, which the parties are unable to resolve through direct discussion, regardless of the kind or type of dispute (excluding claims for unemployment insurance, worker's compensation, or any matter within the jurisdiction of the Labor Commissioner), shall be exclusively subject to final and binding arbitration pursuant to the provisions of New Jersey Permanent Statutes section 2A:24-1, et seq. Employee agrees to submit all such disputes in writing, specifically requesting arbitration, to ARTECH within one year of termination of Employee's employment with ARTECH. Any failure to so request arbitration in a timely manner shall constitute a waiver of all rights to raise any claims, in any forum, arising out of any dispute that was subject to arbitration. The limitation period set forth in this paragraph shall not be subject to tolling, equitable or otherwise. Subch arbitration shall be held in Morristown, New Jersey.

EMPLOYEE AGREES AND UNDERSTAND [sic] THAT BY AGREEING TO THIS BINDING ARBITRATION PROVISION, EMPLOYEE VOLUNTARY [sic] SURRENDER THEIR RIGHTS TO CIVIL LITIGATION, A TRIAL BY JURY AND ANY ASSOCIATED RIGHTS OF APPEAL.

17. Other Provisions. This Agreement and any attached exhibits, represent the entire agreement of the parties and supersedes and terminates all prior agreements. Any modification of this Agreement must be in writing and signed by both parties. No waiver of any provision of this Agreement shall be effective unless it is in writing and signed by the waiving party; a waiver on any one occasion shall not be effective as a waiver on future occasions. This Agreement shall inure to the benefit of and shall be binding on the parties, the successors and assigns of Employer and the heirs and personal representatives of Employee. Employee may not assign his rights or obligations under this Agreement. Paragraphs 8, 12, and 14 shall survive termination. If any provision of this Agreement is determined to be unenforceable in whole or in part, all remaining provisions shall be given full effect to the extent possible without the unenforceable provision. This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of the State of New Jersey without regard to choice of law principles.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Semantics and syntax

"I'm not good enough." I'm going to explore what that means to me, today.

As long as I can recall, I've imposed limits on my actions which led to me refusing to pursue what I would consider to be worthwhile relationships.

Now, of course, as a person, I have to impose limits -- it's what we as people do to deal with the world; for instance, we can't fully describe the room we're in -- it would take an infinite amount of words to convey every last detail, down to the atoms and quarks and what they're doing. We're always imposing a limit on reality as we express it in thought. For me, the idea is to trace a frame around a part of reality, make it my own, and that is creation -- and within that creation is virtue and beauty. So, what does that have to do with anything?

Once we recognize that, we can recognize that we make the limits -- or, at least, acknowledge that there are indeed limits, that reality -- the world -- is larger than the limitations we place upon it, and that our perceptions through thought, while based in reality, do not express reality itself. I don't think that we can choose all of the limits; but, we can recognize that language is a limit, and we can choose some limits once we're aware that we have a choice.

What does this mean? Nothing, really. The world is still sitting silently as we struggle over semantics, freedom and justice. But is useful, I suppose, in approaching truth, which seems like a fun thing to do. Then again, my idea of fun is an intense, revolting, intellectual struggle for finding a resolution for the contradictions of history and man's condition. Today, anyway.

So here I am. And I seriously give a shit if a gorgeous, sharp woman would prefer to do something besides be enamored in my presence. Actually, what I tell myself, is that that will never happen -- that's "not for me." And I've been doing that since at least first grade, when I couldn't look into Cheryl's eyes, or talk to her, even, especially after I found out I liked her coloring style (with crayons), which I would go on to emulate for a few years. Obviously, I love it -- I've only been doing it for about 20 years. I'm doing it right now with at least two women, despite recognizing all of this mumbo jumbo, and I refuse to give it up.

My life is not in danger. I'm still alive, but in a reinforcing circle of "I'm not good enough." I get something out of the "sad story" -- aww, poor me. It's not just with women with whom I refuse to talk.

It's with everything: not being a 'safety' in 4th grade; not getting a 'best student award' in 5th grade; not good enough at baseball; 3rd-string basketball in middle school; only JV soccer in 10th grade; not being an eagle scout; not getting into National Honor Society; being voted 'most shy' in my senior class; not getting into MIT; not having enough money to go to Cornell; not getting a full scholarship at UB; not smart enough to write essays, voice my opinion, or be an articulate, outspoken leader; getting kicked out of the honors program at the university; friends I admired cutting ties against my wishes; not getting a job offer from Microsoft; my ex-girlfriend; more friends cutting ties. Clearly, "I'm not good enough."

"I'll show them: I'm awesome; I'll be rich." Who gives a shit? Becoming a millionaire in America as a software engineer is easy, anyway. Billionaire? Ok, that's harder, but why bother? Say you have a billion dollars -- what the hell for. I only need about $12,000 / year to live. Do I really need to be more "free" than that? As if we're free under the State in the first place. What will I have created? And why is creation and production so important?

So, we have a give and take between justice and freedom. If you are completely free, you have the ability to do things that aren't just -- like, kill people; if you are completely just in every aspect, you have no real choice; either extreme isn't very attractive to me. So, pick your place on the line. Moderation is the answer, apparently, according to Camus.

I'm not good enough to figure all this out right now. "How's that going for you?" I'm hungry. Time for breakfast. I've never been better.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Question

What is the difference between a murderer and a president, anyway? (Seriously.)